Having A Tough Time

Clare has been officially termed "failure to thrive." I loathe that phrase. Because she IS thriving. Maybe she's not gaining weight, but she has come so far in the last two months in other ways. I think that's why I am having such a hard time with this whole feeding issue. We have noticed such an improvement in her since her surgery. Her energy level is up, she is so happy, she sleeps fairly well. Her therapist even swears she got a little giggle out of Clare the other day. But I feel as if we're getting nowhere with Clare's feeding. She was doing so well on solids, but has regressed over the last week to the point where at some meals, she refuses to eat. And, of course, this is a crucial week where we need her to gain some weight to show the GI that Clare is gaining, just slowly. I also can't help but feel personally responsible for Clare's lack of weight gain. I know part of that is irrational. I don't know if other breastfeeding mothers feel the same way, but I do feel responsible for how Clare grows because she is nursing. I can't help but wonder sometimes if I did Clare a disservice by exclusively nursing her for so long and not at least introducing a bottle from day one. But I know I can't second guess myself. I know that I had no idea what the future held for Clare and could not predict that we would be at this point. And there are many formula fed babies who are termed "failure to thrive," so I cannot blame myself. But I am really starting to hate the question - "Could your milk supply have gone down?" like it is my fault.

Tomorrow we have our second GI appointment. I pray that Clare has gained at least one ounce. Then maybe I'll feel better.