Another Anniversary

Another Happy Anniversary to Clare and us! One year ago today, Clare had her first cardiac catheterization. I can still remember the feelings of dread, nervousness, nausea, I-am-going-to-bite-my-nails-until-they-bleed pit in my stomach that I experienced that day. It was the first time I have ever felt that way about anything. I've had lots of experience with being nervous and uncertain before (who hasn't?), but that was the first time it made me want to scream and scream.

Clare has come so far in one year. (Here's my recurring theme again!) I keep repeating this because I am stunned by it. This time last year, I couldn't see what the future held for Clare. Shawn and I were faced with the reality of coming to terms with our child's own mortality and fragility. My biggest moment of trust in my life (at that time) was when I handed Clare over to the anesthesiologist after saying our good-byes. I didn't know if that was the last time I was going to see my baby girl. I will never forget how all that feels. And I am glad I will never forget because then I won't take life for granted.

Part of this journey so far for me has involved sorting out these feelings and letting some of them go. Deep down inside, I think a part of me will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. That comes with the territory of having a special needs child. Many expectant mothers and fathers worry over whether there will be something wrong with their baby. I've heard the pat response time and time again - "Do you know what you're having?" "I don't care as long as the baby is healthy." I honestly never expected anything else. When I was pregnant with Clare, I never expected that first shoe to drop. But it did after she was born and her heart murmur was diagnosed. Shawn and I were just absorbing that information and all its meanings when Clare was diagnosed with Williams Syndrome. During Clare's first cath, I couldn't see where Clare was headed. What did God have in store for her? And why?

I will probably never know the full answers to those questions while I am here on earth, but I have started to let that go. Especially since I now have the experience (and hopefully some wisdom) of this year behind me. Because now it doesn't matter to me that my baby wasn't born healthy, that I don't know why Clare has Williams Syndrome or why God chose Shawn and I to parent a special needs child. What's important now is that Clare is our joy and sunshine in our life. Her journey has touched so many people. She has made me a better person - more patient, more courageous, more accepting, and stronger. And that's what I am holding onto now. All the things Clare can teach us about life.

(The top photo is Clare enjoying her yogurt while we picnicked outside on July 3. The bottom photo is Clare in the hospital during her first cath when she was 3 months old. How much she has grown!)