I completely lost my temper with Clare last night. In my defense, it had been a very long day, two of the kids were sick, Shawn has been gone all week, and, after all the kids had finally been put to bed, Clare did something that ranks about a 7 on my 1-to-10 naughtiness scale (with 10 being “blowing up the house”). However, she is also only 4 years old (and a delayed 4-year old at that) and I am… well, a few years older than that. Plus I am the parent and she is the child. I should be able to control my temper and not fly off the handle like that. I know I am only human, but it still makes me sad that it even happened.
These are the situations when I am muttering inside how much I hate the cards I have been dealt when it comes to Williams syndrome, the developmental delays, the heart defects, the Great Unknown labeled Clare’s Future. Sometimes I just don’t know how to parent Clare. I don’t know where to begin. I want to give up before I have even started. I even uttered the words to Clare tonight that if she did this again, it could hurt her and she could end up in the hospital. Her hospital stay is still so recent that this put her into more hysterical crying. And I admit I knew it would upset her, which is part of the reason why I said it. I am not proud of how I reacted, but I am honest about it. Whenever I feel as if I have been unreasonable in my handling of a situation involving Clare, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness. Feelings so strong that I do not feel when dealing with Jamie or Simon. I think to myself, how could you treat her like this after all she has gone through? Hasn’t the poor child been through enough? What if this is the night she does not wake up in the morning? How would you feel then?
I know that some of these thoughts and feelings are irrational, but that does not make them go away. In fact, they remind me over and over to think twice, take a deep breath, count to ten, say a prayer, anything to help me handle a difficult situation with Clare. Clare faces enough challenges in her life without having this crazy mother to deal with as well. As I am sure all mothers do, I want Clare to know that I am always here for her. I don’t want her to be afraid of me (which I think she slightly was tonight). I don’t want us to be crying on the bathroom floor.
I did not put Clare back to bed on a bad note, though. (I try never to do that.) We cuddled on the floor, I apologized, she apologized, and she fell asleep at peace. I am not sure if I will, though. I think I will always be second-guessing whether or not I can handle this job. I know it is only through the grace of God and the support of my incredible husband that I have gotten as far as I have.
11 comments:
You are human, and you are an excellent mother. To make you feel better, while Bee was going through feeding therapy, I'd tell her (often) that if she didn't eat, she'd have to go to the hospital for an IV. It would freak her out, and I knew it, but it would also get her to eat. Sometimes we have to play the cards in the hand we're dealt. Obviously not to have our kids live in fear, but if being in the hospital is something they can relate to, I don't see how it is that damaging to bring it up every once and a while.
Parenting a special needs child is so emotionally draining, even when you think you have it "all together". At least that has been our experience. You'll regroup, and start fresh again tomorrow. And before you know it, Daddy will be home, and life will even out again.
Praying for you!
Love,
Stacy
p.s. This is a note that was left by my friend on facebook in reguards to a post I had written about a feeding breakthrough with Bridgette this week (she ate an oreo unprompted). I want to share it, because I feel the same way about you with Clare. It may be a hard job, but when it comes right down to it, what an honor to be choosen to be her mama.
"I cried when I read your thought for today...I praise God from whom all blessings flow...She is a miracle from Him...and you and Steve were hand picked by our Creator to parent her on this side of Heaven ...What an honor..."
I feel similar to how you feel in your post. Somedays, I just loose it with Abi and then afterward I feel so bad...she doesn't understand and sometimes I take it out on her for not understanding. It breaks my heart when I do it. I know it is wrong but it happens. It has happened with the other kids too but not near as often as it happens with Abi.I question all the time whether I can do this. I feel so alone sometimes and just lost in dealing with it all and trying to do it right. I mess up. We all make mistakes and I think as long as we learn from them we are allowed to have errors in judgement. You are not alone. I have used the hospital to scare Abi before too because I knew it would get her attention when I was at my wits end trying to reason with her. It was wrong and it scared her and as soon as it left my mouth I new it. The good thing about Abi is she , like Clare, will always forgive and never hold it against you.She knows that you love her and you are a wonderful mother, never forget that...
This time last year I lost it a lot with Ari...because her behavior was outrageously bad. I felt so crappy about it too. That being said I think it was good in hind sight. If she's going to witness someone loose it for the first time - I am glad it was me becasue just like you we cried and cuddled afterwards. I think everyone's kids needs to know that their parents are human, that their parents are people and that they loose it sometimes. I also at that time began "punishining" her. (a time out alone in her room...to Ari a fate worse than death) Now from going through it and knowing I will follow through I just have to ask her "do you want a punishment?" and she almost always "snaps too". You can shouldn't feel guilty ... you can't feel sorry for her and worry that she won't be there tommorow... she needs her mom to act like a mom and treat her the same as the rest of the kids disability or not...no exceptions....Sorry if I sound like a preacher..it just broke my heart to see how terrible you feel as I've felt those feelings and moved beyond only to see that it benefited us all in the long run. Let's face it have you ever met a mom who hasn't "lost it" with her kids?
You know, I've used the "hospital" threat on several occassions to my benefit....sometimes you have to use what works and what they understand, no guilt. I'd like to think that a lot of the reason Michaela is well behaved, is because when a behavior calls for consequences, she's consistently held responsible....at whatever level and with a punishment she understands. That doesn't mean I don't feel some guilt at times, but I keep trying to look at the bigger picture, too....what is this behavior going to turn into at an older age if I do nothing because she doesn't always understand....
We're human, we can only take so much....don't be so hard on yourself, you are an AMAZING mom!!!
wow, your post describes exactly how I feel at so many times. Not cut out for the job I've been given. And yet, once I feel like I've gone overboard in reprimanding Payton I again question what in the world I would do if Payton didn't wake up the next morning. As mom's, I think we'll always second guess ourselves. But I sure do find myself doing it more with Payton than I do with Koen.
HUGS
I read your posts sometimes and just cry here on my couch to Tee Jay, who dutifully hands me tissues.
I wonder (for certainly not the first time in my life) why love comes with so much pain and fear. I wonder if I can handle being your sister or Clare's auntie, simply because it hurts me to see you hurt, to see her hurt.
And if little me wonders how I can carry this [teeny] load, I marvel more at how beautifully you carry yours. You and Shawn are AMAZING, INSPIRING... and doing a great job. No wondering about that - it's just a fact.
Teresa ~ I have to add only that Christina said it all, and beautifully! As a mother myself, I have to tell you that there were often times I wondered why God would entrust their care to ME? I am sorry for your pain, but I know, too, that Clare couldn't be in better hands! Smile, and forgive yourself; Clare already has!
I agree with you, Lucas is only 1 and I feel that way all the time.
Not sure what else I can say (except maybe thanks Christina, now I need a tissue)that hasn't already been said. You handle your job with more grace and beauty and patience than any mom I know.
Teresa,
Clare is such a lucky girl to have you and Shawn for parents.
As parents we have all had moments we wish we would have handled better. You can't dwell on it, only learn from it.
Pam
Clare naughty?? I don't believe it!!
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