I had a breakdown last night. The funny thing is it was not a bad day. The kids and I hung out in the morning, did a little grocery shopping, went to the car wash (which has turned out to be Clare's new fear unfortunately), then had our quiet time. After quiet time, we were off to a Valentine's party. Jamie, as usual, had a grand time - what's not to love about passing out Valentines and candy, decorating and eating cupcakes, and playing all kinds of games. Clare, on the other hand, alternately sat on the floor in the living room with the six-month old baby that was there or clung to my hip fussing and watching the other children. When we got home, I just started crying (poor Shawn - for no apparent reason, as far as he could see, until I explained).
There are times when it absolutely gets to me. The whole developmental delays, Williams syndrome, heart defects, having a child who is not the same. The same can be boring, I know it is. (Trust me, being a stay-at-home mom, I definitely have those moments when we need to jive up our days and routine.) But the same can also be comforting - people understand what you're going through, you're in familiar territory, there are usually no nasty surprises. I love my group of friends and would never leave our group because of these feelings, but at the same time, I feel so alone sometimes with them. Clare wants to be involved with what everyone else is doing. She understands that she is being excluded, that she is not participating. Not on purpose, but because that's just the way it is. She knows in her almost 2-year old brain that she's not making the craft, playing the game, running around and laughing like the other kids. But I don't know how to help her. And that hurts me. I don't want her to have to play on the floor with the baby while the other kids are partying it up. At the same time, it's so hard toting her around (especially being seven months pregnant) - when we came home from the party, my right leg was killing me from constantly doing things while holding Clare so she could be somewhat involved (or at least a spectator). It's selfish, selfish, selfish of me, and I feel like a horrible mother to have these feelings. I want the best for Clare, and I want her to succeed and have her accomplishments, but I also wish it was a whole lot easier. I don't want her to have to struggle to do everything. To be challenged at every step. Why can't just one thing come easy? I watch Jamie do things now and think of how he was when he was Clare's age, and it seems so easy for him. I want Clare to just have one little piece of that ease. From Day One, I feel as if it's been one thing after another with her.
I am so grateful for my WS-mommy community out there who do understand these feelings. I just wish you guys lived closer! I wish our beautiful, "different" children got a chance to play together. I hope someday Clare gets to meet other children who are like her, and she doesn't always have to be the one who is different.
Sometimes I feel as if it is MY heart that is broken.