Friday, February 29, 2008

Reeling

I don't even know where to begin sometimes. There is so much in my head threatening to spill out and I try to marshal it, corral it, and rein it all in, but often it is too much.

The death of Blake has naturally hit our little community hard. The WS-mommy bloggers (as I refer to us) have been together for some time now. I think I was the first to start three years ago, but our numbers have exploded over the past couple years. There are so many of us now I cannot keep up with everyone (thus why I only have a select few linked on my blog). It's amazing to have this close group of friends, the majority of whom I have never even met in person. We have been there for each other through it all - the highs and lows, the triumphs and challenges. We have counseled, supported, and loved each other on the phone, via e-mail, through our blog posts and comments. We have been there through those tough days, nail-biting tests and evaluations, multiple echos, caths, procedures, and surgeries. But this is the first time we have experienced death in our community. That one of our precious children is gone. And, at least to me personally, it has sent me reeling.

My heart just aches for Whitney, Troy, Brandon, and their family. I cannot begin to fathom what they are going through. I pray I never have to find out. Yet I know this has been another dose of reality of how fragile many of our children are. Last night, as I said my final good-nights to Jamie and Clare, I leaned into Clare's bottom bunk. She was sitting there in her blue airplane hand-me-down boy pajamas, her crazy curls standing on end, and wearing dress-up earrings, a bracelet, and a ring (which she must have smuggled in her bed sometime during her afternoon nap). She looked so beautiful, so sweet, so tiny. I gave her a big squeeze and whispered, "Mommy loves you so much." She touched my face and whispered back, "I love you." That's what keeps me going.

11 comments:

Every minute counts.... said...

It is very hard on me too. I think about how much in life is so unsure at times like these. I not only hold Abi tighter, I hold the other 3 just a little longer too. I know that there are no guarentees on the amount of time we get together. I have faced so many family and friends with unexpected, early deaths that sometimes it just takes me longer to process it all. That is my defense. I still greive it just takes me longer to start, and it has now started. I agree this is the first time that we as a "family" have felt this pain, but I wouldn't want to go through it all without all of you. I'm sure that Whitney feels the same comfort in the fact that we all are greiving with her in our own ways. It's not the same grief, but we understand better than most.

Neol

Kerry said...

It's so unreal that we are experiencing this - I never thought our little group would be touched with news like this. It's very hard to fathom that death is a possibility when we are spending so much time with our little ones learning to crawl, walk, sleep, eat. We are worrying about IEPs and therapists and development... I don't want to worry about whether or not Brady makes it to age three.

Aunt Joan said...

Teresa & all the "WS-mommybloggers"
Please know that every one of you are in my prayers and thoughts as you go through this difficult time. I can only imagine how Whitney & her family feels knowing they have your support and prayers. God bless every one of you and your precious Children!
Aunt Joan

Tara said...

Teresa - you said it so well - life is so fragile for these little ones. I keep telling my mom that before I had Payton I lived in my own 'dreamworld' - thinking that children with syndrome mainly had learning disabilities...never realizing all the health issues that came along with it. It's frightening to say the least. I, like you, have looked at Payton and just told her over and over how much I love her. (and ofcourse do the same with Koen, but Payton seems so much more fragile). I'm so thankful we all have each other to lean on.

Kim, Grandma to Ava,ws said...

Thank you for a great post. I've been feeling the same way. Blake's passing has been a reality check for all of us.

By the way, when did Clare's hair get so crazy-curly-cute??? I saw her picture on Brady's blog--she looks adorable!

Julie said...

This week has been awful. I have given my kids twice as many hugs. Especially Noah because he still lets me. I hope we all are able to bounce back from this.

Gretchen & Steve said...

Nothing breaks my heart more than to read about the death of one so young. My thoughts and prayers are with you all and the family of that little angel. He was clearly a very special little guy to have touched so many, even those of us who did not know him. It tore me up inside to read such sad news. Now, I must go give my two sleeping boys one more kiss goodnight. You have all found a special gift in one another and I feel blessed that you have found a way to share your beautiful children with the rest of us "non" WS-Mommies. Thanks so much and God Bless you all!

Nicole said...

There is a closeness here in our blogger group that sometimes I find a bit strange. How can I truly love all of these mommies and kids that I have never met?!? It just is. I, too, hugged my children a bit longer this week and I also wished that I could hug all my cyber kids as well. Thinking of each and every one of you this week and wishing there was more that I could do to give and get comfort.

Nancy said...

You feel the same way I do -- the first death is a shock. It's just awful and has rocked our world. I take comfort in the fact that our group is so kind, supportive, and accepting just in case something goes haywire for Erik. What has really impressed me is the fact nobody has forgotten me over here and kept me in the loop. It's really hard being so far away, but I have felt included and cared for, too. Everybody is so wonderful.

What a beautiful image of Clare you painted with your words. I'm hugging my kid tighter and savoring those moments, too.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know what to say. I'm not part of the "community" but want you all to know that you all are in my prayers daily. Clare has been such an amazing part of my life and has brought so much joy to my life, as have Jamie and Simon of course. However Clare has taught me so much about her love of life and her ability to take things as they come. As many challanges as she's faced in her little life and she still melts your heart with her smile! Please accept my support even if it is only through words and "cyber land".
Love Auntie Becky

Ava Jewel Leilani said...

You said it all so well.

I can't seem to stop thinking about Whitney. It is a strange thing for me to worry, truly worry about someone who I have never met. She has this little miracle growing inside of her, it should be a happy time now, not a time filled with heartache. I just don't understand.